Poor Edward
by Smex Lemur
Summary: When Roy ponders, nothing good can come of it. Poor Edward never saw it coming. RoyEd, Oneshot. Randomness xD
1. Chapter 1

**AN:** Just very random silliness. XD I don't know where I came up with this, but nyah. I hope you enjoy! It's a oneshot, though I might make it a twoshot if people like it enough x3

**Disclaimer:** No ownie.

* * *

**Poor Edward**

It was a very sunny and happy day in Central City. Hawkeye was shooting, Havoc was smoking, Falman was doing… well, whatever it was that Falman usually did, Fury… same thing and—

Oh, why don't we just move on to Roy Mustang, the hero of our story?

Ah yes, it was lunchtime and Roy wasn't allowed to go, because he had been late for work that same day. It had earned him a pistol to the head and some angry barking from Black Hayate's side. Not that he was afraid of the damn mutt, oh no, not at all. Roy Mustang wasn't afraid of anything!

…. Moving on.

So, Roy was sitting behind his desk working his ass off while everybody else was having lunch. And, by working his ass off, I mean that he was staring out of the window, being bored because the only thing he had to do was fill in papers. And since Hawkeye wasn't there at that time, he had chosen to spend the half hour wisely—he decided to ponder about things.

And when Roy ponders, nothing good can come of it.

You don't believe me? Well, that's why I'm telling you this story. To really understand what our beloved and dashing Roy Mustang is thinking, why don't we take a peek inside of his head, hm?

* * *

I think Hawkeye might have a crush on me. I mean, I _know _she wants me—I can see it in her eyes every time she pulls that trigger when she aims at me! I mean, not that I like her in that way, hell no, I'm not a masochist. I don't like pain and Riza obviously does.

I wonder if she's into bondage? … I could do that.

Ah, Fullmetal's requesting for vacation, is he? Well, he can just forget about that… the little shrimp ( –Insert evil chuckle here-), honestly, who does he think he is, asking me for vacation? Shrimps don't even need them… Maybe he wants one because of that girl, what was her name again? Dorkbell? Something like that.

I can't believe he hasn't shown her the door yet, I mean, who'd want a girl like that? She throws wrenches at him for crying out loud! She's probably worse than Riza (wonder if she's into bondage too?), though I'm pretty sure Alphonse has a thing for her too… Hm, should've figured that. If you've spent a lot of time inside a suit of armour, even wrenches sound kinky.

Well, it's not like he's officially going out with her. I'm pretty sure he doesn't really like her that way and I'm almost certain Fullmetal is asexual. He's never taken any of my advice regarding girls… (-insert dramatic sigh-).

Damn, I really can't stand it when she clings on his arm… make me wanna rip her off. I mean, does she know how annoying that is? I feel for him, honestly, girls always do that with me too. Clinging to my arm. Bleh.

And then her _voice_ (–insert exaggerated shudder-).

And that blonde hair of hers is just nasty, I mean, it's long and flat and totally out of model. I mean, even_ I_ would do a better job cutting it.

… Ah, who am I kidding? I always do a better job at everything!

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, the blonde little brat who's always hanging around Fullmetal while he obviously doesn't want it.

Ah, I really should do that paperwork… Nah, I'll just shove some onto Fury's pile and it'll be alright. It'll be just as if I've done a good job. I sometimes feel sorry for Fury though, he's always the one getting my paperwork on top of his.

Ah well, life's not fair.

Let's get back to what I was doing! Let's see, something else about her? She's kind of a machochick too. I mean, normal girls like jewellery and she likes wrenches. Not that it's a bad thing, but it is kind of weird… would Edward ever go for a girl like—

Did I just call him Edward? Hm. That was odd. Well, his name is kind of nice, a very strong name (much like mine) and it suits him well. Maybe I should call him Edward from now on. Yup (-insert nod-).

God, Jean is smoking outside again. I can't believe the guy hasn't gotten lung cancer yet. I swear to God the guy doesn't stop smoking, even at _night_. Sleep-smoking. Heh.

His hair reminds me of Edward's hair. It's blonde too, though Edward's is a much nicer shade. Kind of like gold, like his eyes. His eyes are—

… hold the phone. Not literally, because I decided to pull the phone cord since I don't want people calling me while I'm thinking.

Anyway.

Did I just say Edward has nice hair? And I was about to go in further into his eyes… hmm, odd. Come to think of it, the little shrimp has been on my mind ever since I met him. Hm, but why?

Well, there is one option… but that one is ridiculous, absurd, preposterous!... Then again, it does sound like me. Hm (-insert the rubbing of a very fine chin-).

I do feel jealous all the time of Winry and any other person…

I always protect him, for reasons still unknown to me (though they might become known now)…

I always tend to look at him whenever he's not looking…

I always think about him!

But then—still, it couldn't be. No way. It. Can't. Be. You know, sometimes I wish Hughes were here to help me with stuff like this, even though he'd probably say I should simply get a wife and have many handsome Mustang-babies.

I always knew the guy was crazy.

Anyway… but what if it's true? I wouldn't mind or anything, but it would be weird. Though… maybe not. Pah. Well, he is kind of pretty, for a guy, too pretty actually and he's cute when he pouts and he has those very nice eyes. Besides, he is eighteen now, so he is of legal age.

Hm. Interesting.

Though, still… it's hard to believe, but it does make sense in a way… should I go and—YES! I should!

I've got nothing better to do anyway! (-insert Riza Hawkeye's paper-work-is-being-neglected-sense-)

But where is he right at the moment? Ah, stupid question.

**TO THE CAFETERIA! **

**(-insert random supercool superhero theme-)**

* * *

Okay, so now that you people all had a nice look inside of Roy Mustang's brilliant mind, it's time to follow him on his quest for freedom, beauty and love! … Well, perhaps the beauty and freedom part aren't really accurate, but LOVE!

Before he opened the door to the cafeteria, he quickly glanced through the window to see if he's sitting in there. After a minute, he exclaimed a loud 'yes!' as he saw a very familiar red coat and a blonde braid in the back of the hall.

But now the question was: How should he tell him?

_I'd better be blunt about this… Edward has never been too good with taking hints._

Roy slammed the door open loudly, an extremely stern look on his face as he focused his eyes on one person there—Edward Elric, with a piece of bread hanging out of his mouth as he looked as if Roy had grown a second head. Everything was quiet as Roy's voice boomed through the cafeteria.

"_EDWARD ELRIC! I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU!"_

Poor Edward never saw this coming.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: **Oh God, I actually made another part XD -snickers- I don't know if this is really good. Personally, I think it's more IC than the first one, but nyah o.o

I luff Roy, he's so cute x3 -huggles-

Enjoy! n.n

"_EDWARD ELRIC! I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU!" _

Poor Edward never saw it coming.

He stared.

And stared.

Stared some more.

_STAAAAAAAARE._

His mind was completely blank as he stared across the room at the dark-haired man, whom had just made his life a living hell. He vaguely noticed the whole cafeteria staring at them, but decided to pretend that they weren't there. Or that he wasn't there—whatever was the best.

It took him five minutes (child-prodigy, my ass!) to respond. By that time, anger had built itself up, as well as embarrassment, annoyance and _RAGE_.

In a matter of seconds, Edward had run across the room, had grabbed Roy by the arm and was dragging him outside. It was raining, but Edward didn't really care at the moment—in fact, it was kind of handy. It would make killing Roy be a whole lot easier.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!" Edward roared, flailing his arms around. Roy gave him an annoying smirk, before he slipped his arms around Edward's waist and pulled the ranting boy closer, who, thanks to this action, abruptly stopped.

"Why, declaring my love for you, of course," he replied smugly, readying himself to dive in for a nice kiss. Edward, however, had other plans.

"GET THOSE LIPS AWAY FROM ME YOU PERVERT!" he panicked and punched Roy on the cheek with his automail arm.

Poor Roy never saw it coming (-snickers-).

He groaned as he clutched his hurting cheek. "Damn it Edo-chan, you don't have to be so violent. I didn't know you were a masochist."

"What. Did. You. Call. Me?" Edward growled.

"A masochist?"

"No, before that, you bastard!"

"…Violent?"

"No!" Edward scrunched his nose in disgust. "Edo-chan!" Roy blinked once, before a smirk yet again appeared on his face.

"Well, Edo-chan, since we're going out now, I need to have a proper nickname for you. Unless you want me to call you chibi-Edo." Edward fumed.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT HE COULD DATE AN AMOEBE!" he hollered, pouncing on the man. Roy flew backwards on the street and the back of his head hit the pavement. He groaned—getting Edward was harder than he thought. He never had this much trouble with getting a girl. Edward sat on top of him triumphantly, both his hands holding Roy's wrists down so he couldn't get him off. Roy swallowed—he really liked this position.

He knew he liked bondage. He always knew.

Roy licked his lips—being in the military had its advantages. Like being able to throw off someone who was straddling your hips and reverse their positions.

Which was exactly what he did.

"Well, I think you've been a bad boy," Roy said in a husky voice, making shivers go down Edward's spine as he lied on the cold, wet pavement. "Attacking your superior? Tsk," Roy continued. Edward tried his best not to notice the way his hair was slick with both sweat and rain, he tried not to listen to that deep, husky voice and he tried his absolute best not to notice that Roy was hanging over him and sitting on a very, very sensitive place.

He tried.

But failed.

"How shall I punish you?" Roy pondered, his eyes glazed. Edward growled.

"Shut. The. Fuck. Up," he said, before freeing one auto-mail arm and yanking the man down by the collar of his uniform.

For the second time that day, Roy never saw it coming.


End file.
